ON DEVELOPING FRIENDSHIP
A reality check is the need of the hour
As to why everybody likes a particular person but me not at all!
For a person to be liked by everybody
One has to first know one’s own self fully
The task of which is not seemingly easy
Because we’ve to remove every shred of negativity
That has made a residency so lasting
In our midst, alas, since long
Without us knowing anything about it all!
Also, emotional attachment and selfishness don’t go together
Fine-tuning ourselves in daily action is need of the hour
Thus cleanse the slush that exists with a broom so hard
Whilst our good deeds bring about magnetism in us
Which attract people of all hues
Thus satisfy our instinct of befriending
Those with whom we’ve heart-to-heart connect
And be friendly with as varied a people as one possibly can
Gift of genuine friendship flows from all sides then
Also friends we win when we’ve won attachment, jealousy, pride & rancor
And made a special space in our heart
For burring our differences which may creep in sometImes
Selfish amongst us create frustrating negativism
Adversaries of kinsman ship/ friendship is favoritism & nepotism
That we hand out to some chosen few knowingly
With motive so ulterior so intentionally
Thus deprive the chance of close intimacy.
God – the creator of everybody and everything around and beyond
Sends us cues so varied
Patiently waits for us to befriend Him
Need is to lift thin veil of skepticism
That exists in us as humans
Just remove this little hurdle
And have eternal friendship with our Lord.
THE ART OF MAKING FRIENDS
Friendship is one of the noblest form of human response to show love or liking for the person for whom we extend our hand of friendship. It is not developed at the throw of a hat. It is developed partly with the divine intervention and partly due to attraction in individual’s character and also based on unconditional love that we shower for each other which is enduring and not based on delusions and misgivings. Friendship is a great cementing force and its enemies are skepticism, conditional love, jealousy, rancor, anger, etc. Friendship means giving love without any reservation or without any ulterior motive.
At home, we develop friendship with our parents and other close relatives with whom we have to live. While in the society, we develop linkages with peer groups in the formal and informal institutions. We meet some people who help us tide over problems but our friendship remains till our school or college days. Thereafter, we just forget them – this friendship is not perfected for being lasting one. All must have experienced such friendship during schooling days. Yet, the memories of those days remain throughout our life.
Then, there is meeting of distant strangers and we develop liking with that stranger just instantaneously and an inner urge springs from the inner recesses of our heart to render help to that total stranger. I view this developing of friendship is partly Creator’s law of attraction and partly due to Karmic results of previous birth(s)? Is not it a strange thing that we develop meeting of mind /companionship just at once without even iota of previous thought about it! That is irresistible attraction; we cannot help it really. This we can develop through inner cues. While I was serving, I had a sudden meeting of one of the officers. He met me and told that he was on the verge of retirement and wanted to meet me before his demitting office. I was really flabbergasted. He remained with us for about 15 days and such was his approach which really baffled me and I thought this attraction based on the Creator’s law of attraction.
Friendship flourishes till such time it is based on selflessness attitude, bereft of any egotistic tendencies and cannot be contaminated by any false propaganda because it is based on heart-to-heart relationship which is emotional based relationship and hence solid. Those who listen their innermost feelings or inner voices and make friendship because that friendship has innermost foundation. This is not a fragile relationship under any yardstick. No negative external factors like ill-will, backbiting or any sort of situation or tain; manmade or situational can come in the way of this friendship. We sometimes develop liking for others taking into account their financial status or dilution created by physical attraction. This friendship is not lasting because both of these factors are impermanent. Wheel of wealth always revolves; sometimes we may be up and at other times we may be down. Also, our facial or bodily appearance too can fade after sometimes. Then what is left of this sort of a friendship? We can just say that we’ve got friends aplenty but a simple test of judging their bona-fide will indicate that that friendship is standing on castles made of sand.
We can then develop friendship with others we’ve to first of all rid ourselves of all the negativity that is dormant in us. More the positive thinking we develop in life, more the friends we develop in our life. In other words, positivity has special affinity with friendship. We’ve to be pure, selfless and develop spiritual bent of mind. The friendship developed on the bedrock of our character is eternal. I opine a person with a sound character attract likeminded one for a friendship and the basis of the friendship is developed in the previous birth(s) To whomsoever we come across, there is a linkage in that with respect to friendship. This could be friendship between men and men, men and women, women with women, brother with brother, sister with sister etc. i.e. friendship is a necessity in all human relations without discrimination of high or low. It is shared and a sheer feeling of togetherness despite shortcomings. We share everything with a friend – in weal and woe we bond together to further our common cause of living life with amity like soul mates.
Friendship could be increased from one to ten since we do not lose anything in sharing that our Lord has bestowed us.
Hand of friendship if it comes to us should be accepted as such and should not be spurned. Enhanced friendship circle in the neighborhood helps solve the problems faced by the neighbours. By doing so, we can also remove any mistrust that may be rampant between the neighbor.
It is also to be remembered that friendship is not a one way traffic. If I continue extending the hand of friendship and the other one keeps spurning it then let it be that way. Friendship cannot be forced on somebody thinking that friendship cannot be based on self centeredness. Those people who are conceited, fastidious and egocentric cannot have magnetism to attract others.
We ought to make friends with people who are pure and truthful besides faithful to the core. In Holy Quran it has been mentioned: To choose someone for friendship purely on the basis of his piety and faith, only to satisfy Allah is akin to earmarking a place in Paradise. One must take up friends, if only on the basis of faith and good ethics.
- Make friendship with like-minded people. It should be our endeavour to make friendship with likeminded people because they could be relied upon and can partake /share our good and bad occasions. If we make friendship with those who are socially and economically better than us then that friendship may not be lasting because inferiority factor will always remain haunting us. It is not that friendship cannot be there between the people of high and low stratas. There was friendship between Lord Krishna and Sudhama (a childhood friend of Krishna) which remained eternal and an example for us to follow. Lord Krishana received Sudhama at his new kingdom at Dwarka and even washed his feet and finally gave him the parting gifts.
- Friendship with anti-social elements will impact ourselves. It is said ‘a man is known by the company he keeps’ – meaning, we should choose our friends with care and caution. It also means that we should shun bad person? Then who will embrace that ‘bad person’ – a God forsaken man? In the society we have people with varied traits. Those amongst us who may not have got opportunities to imbibe good value system because of their family condition coupled with environment in which they were brought up they picked up anti-social characteristics. Shunning them entirely means giving fillip to their bad traits. Best way is to associate with them, if possible, make friends with them and try refining them. If a notorious dacoit named Vakmiki could be transformed to Rishi Valmiki (who penned down Ramyana) then why not a ‘bad person’ amongst us cannot be transformed into a good person? Although we may not consider them making them as friends yet we cannot just ignore them. Need is to refine them, if possible, through persuasion but not through coercion. Taking in account the wisdom from the saying; hate the sin but not the sinner’ we can make friends with this sort of a person because he is our soul mate. We have to remember what Lord Jesus Christ said “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
- The friendship is unconditional. There are no strings attached, of any kind, in friendship, no conditions imposed by any party. In other words no ifs and whats are there between friends.
- There are the people who consider themselves duped by their own bosom friends. They should not lose heart. Making friends with animals, plants, books will suit them more than making friends with humans who are not trustworthy. Some may argue that despite their best efforts they could not make friends with anybody while others may rue the day they got association with some particular fellow(s) but their experience, in real life, turned out to be negative. This like scenario cannot be disputed now a days because selfishness taking centre stage in our daily behavior. In this sort of a contingency, we can make friendship with books which can give us wisdom and will to survive in any situation. Better still, we can make friends with animals or birds or plants. These will not be demanding in any way and their love will be unconditional to say the least.
- If nothing works make friendship with yourself. If we silently introspect / turn inwards and explore our own self for self realization then most of outer attachments will vanish in thin air. Knowing self means knowing everything including our Creator. Here we free ourselves from the clutches of earthy worries and try knowing the worth of our own existence – who is behind my existence. Through self analysis / introspection we can ensure progress of our soul. This way we realize that our thoughts and emotions thereof are the results of the state of our body. Healthy we are, more resilience we possess and consequently more attraction we have in attracting friends.
- Make friendship with God. Ultimate and incessant source of booster to a friendless person is our Creator and finally get eternal peace. In Sri Granth Sahib it has been expounded: In this world, the true Guru is the ocean of peace; there is no other place to rest and have peace. The world is afflicted with the painful disease of egotism; dying, it cries out in pain, only to be reborn. O mind, serve the true Guru and obtain peace. If you serve the true Guru, you shall find peace. Otherwise, you shall depart after wasting away your life in vain
- ‘The transcendental relation of Arjuna with Krshna is of the dear most friendship’. Similarly, we can also establish our friendship with Him. We are actually SOUL and He is the SUPER SOUL hence we are part of Him only. By this, our friendship could be eternal. For this to be a reality, we have first of all make friends with His creations. Merely then only we can identify ourselves with Him. We’ve to love each and everything which He has created.
- We should not make friendship easily but when friendhip is developed then it should be for good. In this age of KALI YUGA when there is trust deficit between the humans, we have to be very circumspect in choosing our friends. The important things which we’ve to take into account while choosing friends are:-
- Social background.
- Selfless attitude.
- God oriented.
- Sense of sacrifice.
- Adaptive and receptive to the change.
- Possesses positive traits like compassion, understanding and helping the needy according to our capacity, etc.
- Fear not while taking decisions impinging on others’ welfare.
- Before making friendship make a special place in your heart to bury the differences / hatchet of your friend otherwise you cannot have a true friend. It is an undisputed fact that man makes mistakes. While the mistake made are not intentional then we have to forget and forgive that friend of ours. At times, we have to ignore the unintentional glaring mistakes of our friends and relatives simply when there is no option but to do so and bury those mistakes in the ‘burring place of our heart! I opine there is no other option?
- All the people are different, even brothers born in the same parents differ in their temperament and they develop friendship with different people of which respective choices.
- Friend is the one who partakes our pains and pleasures – more so when he/she helps us in our lean period. But now a days friendship is based on: friends are plenty when your purse of full. These fair weather friends are always there for asking. We’ve to maintain a fair distance from them lest they exploit our emotions for satisfaction of their ulterior motives.
- Internet has helped giving vast meaning to friendship. In fact use of internet has given a new meaning and substance to friendship. Need is to find true friends amongst the maze of them – but here to we’ve to be quite careful in developing friendship lest somebody takes advantage of our soft feelings.
- In friendship false appreciation and falsification of fact leads to breakage of friendship when found out.
- Friendship and marriage are two different entities. Girl friend may or may not agree for a marriage. There are so many instances where boy and girl remained friends but could not agree for marriage due to one reason or another.
- We can make friendship even with a brute if we try to understand why that fellow had become brute. There may be some compelling reason of circumstances which forced that fellow to be so?
- When we build roadblocks of conditions on friendship then we reach nowhere from that road.